Sexual athletes leave taxpayer with bill

I am shocked, shocked I say to see the appalling figures which shows the total ACC cost of sexual injuries since 2010 to be less than half a million dollars.

What a banal and conformist sexual environment it turns out we have in New Zealand. I am embarrassed that sex here is not usually vigorous enough to cause an accident.

I tip my hat to the 1200 people (two thirds of whom are male) who lodged a sexual injury claim. Praise be upon those adventurous enough to try something new, and proudly state so on an official form. Is it too much to ask for every citizen to contribute 12.5 cents per year for a more satisfied society?

I would personally prefer to pull a muscle during some heady sexual trist than in the course of carrying groceries. Perhaps the regular readers of Sunday papers are repulsed by the notion that their fellow humans are having better and more exciting sex than they are. I hope this isn’t the case, but must allow for the possibility since that’s the audience the paper’s cater too.

Venal, prudish, and judgemental people. The very sort who could use a bit of kink, a copy of the karma sutra this Christmas, and something more than a kiss on New Year’s Eve. I hope we see a spike in ACC claims of sexual injuries this January; after all we must make hay while the sun shines.

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